When I went through my last heartbreak, almost two full years ago now, I vowed to myself that I’d try to be a more positive person. I didn’t want to feel sad anymore. I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore by flaming insecurities and little self respect. I wanted to look in the mirror and love my body, my face, everything, despite the flaws.
I’ve been somewhat successful at these goals. But for the most part, how I feel is in flux.
I can tell by scrolling through my instagram when I was in a particularly healthy and positive self-love stage. My yoga pictures are beautiful. My face is confident in them, as if I know that my body is a beautiful extension of my soul. There’s a gleam in my eyes in certain pictures, and it’s because I really felt not only beautiful, but whole. I felt completely at peace with who I am, flaws and all, body and mind.
Those moments are rare. But the fact that they exist, I’ve realized, is a beautiful thing.
I think the issue is that I strive far too much to have these moments daily. I look for them. I, in some ways, expect myself to find them. My anxiety pushes me to do everything possible in one day, and when I feel exhausted at the end of the day rather than fulfilled, there’s a deep sadness that comes over me. Here’s the truth: not every day is great. There are days when things and/or people don’t impress me in a major way. I have lackluster days. And I have days that are so dark I shock myself with the questions I ask internally. ‘What is the meaning of life’ isn’t an uncommon question for me. Sadness sits like a cloak over me on most days.
But I think I need to let go of this overwhelming sense of urgency to shake this sadness off. I feel like a failure when I’m sad and I try to fix the sadness by getting more work done, checking things off of my ‘to-do.’ I still go to sleep in a dark haze. I need to let myself feel. Striving for happiness and positivity is not a bad thing. In fact, I still aim for that. But I am a writer and I possess a soul that sometimes feeds off of the dark moments. I need to feel the sadness in order to feel the happiness.